Sex and Relationships in The Time of COVID-19
9-minute read
Many of you have probably wondered, given that so many people are spending more time at home than ever before, is everyone else just having lots of sex? The answer, as you probably expected, is complicated.
Are people actually having more sex?
People who find themselves spending more time housebound with their partner(s) may notice an increase in their desire, and subsequently the number of sexual experiences they’re having together. If your partner(s) is suddenly more available, with fewer interruptions or tasks to complete and increased boredom, you may find you have ample opportunity to spend more time wrapped up together, connecting and meeting your sexual and intimacy needs.
An increase in the desire to be sexual may also be linked directly to the COVID-19 pandemic. Common reasons people have sex pertain to emotional and insecure motivators; to increase feelings of safety, regulate their stress response, numb strong emotions and feel loved. Sex can become a coping strategy during difficult times, providing temporary distraction and alleviating fears or anxiety.
Engaging in sexual activities during catastrophes has further been linked to fears about one’s own mortality or the threat of losing a partner. Therefore, deciding to be sexual may be a way to feel closer and connected with the people they care for or a desire to spend the time they expect they have left having sex.
In contrast, folks may notice a decline in their sexual activity, arousal response, and pleasure. Folks with children may find they suddenly have less time to themselves, diminished privacy and are having to provide constant care to meet the needs of others, where school or childcare once offered a break. This can drastically hinder desire and the opportunity to be sexual.
When considering COVID-19’s impact on casual sex; social distancing, quarantine, self-isolation or fear of infection have reportedly reduced the rates of casual hookups. Simultaneously, dating app usage has increased, with greater numbers of folks seeking connection online during an incredibly isolating time. The benefits of using platforms to seek and maintain connections are substantial and can support or enhance wellbeing by reducing loneliness.
While many folks continue to be sexual, deep concerns for safer sex and increased risks of STIs exist. This is due to inaccessible and unavailable prophylactics. Access to contraception options, like many other products in supermarkets and chemists, are limited, with sold-out condoms and huge queues in pharmacies further restricting access to lube, birth control pills and the morning-after pill. Sex in the time of COVID-19 can be one of risk and taking steps to decrease that risk is imperative.
GIF from GIPHY
What about long term?
Overtime, the novelty of spending extended periods in close proximity to others may wear off. In instances when people have limited opportunity for downtime or time away from partner(s) and family, the chance of conflict, feelings of frustration or resentment may rise.
The longer the pandemic exists, the greater the impact on mental health, wellbeing and relationships. This is exacerbated with fewer available resources, with a heightened potential for unemployment or income loss. There are increased risks for mental health due to restricted access to medication, ongoing high stress contexts, isolation and loneliness and risk of death from infection from COVID-19, suicide or being injured or killed during domestic or family violence. Those who face the highest level of risk are folks who are pushed furthest to the margins of society. These individuals have access to the least amount of resources, are unable to access support, services or testing because of systemic oppression and barriers that have always existed.
How are sex and pleasure impacted by stress?
Experiencing daily or ongoing stress can impact sex and desire for many people. In high stress situations such as pandemics and global catastrophes, the chance that sexual activity will be disrupted is even greater. Stress at any level will reduce everyone’s ability to experience pleasure. There are two systems at play that can help understand why your desire, arousal and pleasure might be impacted.
1. The stress response is an evolutionary response that exists to ensure the survival of all humans. It is an internal autonomous process that is constantly scanning the environment for danger, be it real or perceived.
To ensure your survival, when you encounter any stressor, your sympathetic nervous system is activated. It makes an immediate, automatic assessment of your best change of survival. Sometimes that will mean you’ll shift into a fight or flight response. You may notice an increase in your heart-rate, breathing or feelings of irritation, anger or fear etc. If your body recognises that you might not survive by fighting or running, your parasympathetic nervous system shuts your body down and you’ll experience a freeze or fawn response, because that offers you the best chance of survival. This is a normal and common response to stressors.
To prepare itself to respond to stressors, as soon as your body senses a potential threat, it will flood with hormones (cortisol and adrenaline) and redirect all it’s energy and blood flow away from less vital areas (digestive tract, genitals, etc.) towards systems that aid in your escape or ability to fight (heart, muscles, lungs, etc.).
During this experience, there are limited to no resources available for sex and you may feel overwhelmed or exhausted. Because of this, you’re less likely to feel like being sexual and you may find it difficult to perceive pleasurable events and touch may be perceived as irritating or dangerous. Any form of stressor, be it life-threatening or not, has the potential to activate your stress response and impact desire, arousal and pleasure.
2. The dual control model, developed by Bancroft and Janssen, is another system that directly regulates your sexual response and parallels the stress response. The dual control model includes one half that is constantly scanning your environment for sexually relevant information (the accelerator) and another half that is constantly scanning for all the possible reasons why it’s unsafe or a bad idea to be sexual (the break).
The accelerator, like the sympathetic system, is constantly scanning your environment for sexual cues. When it is activated, a flood of hormones and blood move to areas where they’re needed (i.e. your genitals).
If you’re faced with a stressor or ongoing stress, your break will be activated telling your body that it’s not a good time to be sexual. The break is similar to the parasympathetic systems and it brings everything to a stop, overriding the accelerator and your perception of sexual info and pleasure. So even when all the sexual contexts are right, if you’re holding stress in your body, it’s likely that your break has decided now is not a good time to get sexy and you may feel uninterested in sex.
Ultimately, whether people are having more or less sex depends on how individuals are affected by the COVID-19 pandemic; whether they have access to resources, whether they can afford to take time off work, the quality of their relationship and ability to spent long stretches of time together, and whether they have the resources to manage their stress and regulate their bodies.
How has COVID-19 impacted domestic and family violence?
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash
Depressingly, many ordinary social events such as sporting events or even public holidays see a rise in domestic and family violence incidences. In this pandemic, cities, businesses and homes are in locked down. Couples and families are forced to spend increasing amounts of time together, which can increase the rates of interpersonal violence.
Numerous stressors, feelings of powerlessness or a sense of lost control associated with unemployment and income loss, loss of freedom, increased boredom and increased alcohol or drug use can all exacerbate violence. Those who experience violence are trapped in their homes with abusers, have limited resources and few opportunities to spend time away from these environments, especially if they faced with self isolation, quarantine or if employment arrangements have changed.
Furthermore, resources and the justice system that attempt to support people faced with violence are overwhelmed and unable to provide support to the most marginalised folks or those that require urgent response at the best of times. In the current crisis, support is almost non-existent.
Crisis support lines and services including safe houses may be unavailable or inaccessible because of social distancing, quarantine and self-isolation protocols. This limits the numbers of support workers available at a time where there is increased demand for support. Many safe houses may also be unable to accept people due to these protocols as well as limited space, unavailable staff and long delays, leaving many vulnerable and alone.
What can you do right now?
Reach out to people who might be in need of connection or assistance and offer your support in any way you can – by phone, text or online video and chat platforms. If you’re not in self isolation, consider going for a walk together to connect out in nature, offering someone a lift or asking if you can run any errands for them.
If you can, support people who you know might be in a family violence situation and who want assistance. If possible, just being available and open to that person can make a difference. To learn more check out the Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria resource for families, friends and neighbours.
Consider setting boundaries that ensure you’re not overwhelmed by being in close proximity to others. Letting others know that you need some uninterrupted space is okay and might be necessary during this time.
Practice safer sex to avoid the spread of STIs and COVID-19. Aim to use condoms if you can access them and that condoms won’t protect you from all types of STIs. Ask your partners if they’ve been tested for COVID-19 or been around anyone who they think may have been at risk. Remember that sex can be more than penetration. If you want to be sexual with someone who could have COVID-19, to reduce the spread, be creative about what sex looks like. Phone sex and sex through video chat platforms are all fun, valid and possible options.
Make time for pleasure and for rest. If it feels hard to slow down, remember that we’ve all been socialised to be busy and value being productive. By prioritising things that feel pleasurable and resting, you’re challenging capitalism that only values people who are productive.
Holding onto stress in your body can result in a huge range of consequences for your health and wellbeing. Spend time each day completing your stress response and shifting stress out of your body. What are you currently doing to manage the stress in your life? In sex educator Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski’s book Burnout, they describes several evidence-based ways to complete the stress response and manage stress. These include physical activity, deep and slow breathing, meditation, experiencing creative self-expression, feeling connected, interacting with others (people, animals or even stories), sharing affection or expressing emotion through having a cry or a laugh.
Living through the COVID-19 is a surreal experience for many. The ongoing stress can have real consequences for wellbeing, relationships and sexual experiences. Remember you’re not alone and it’s okay if you’re feeling anxious or afraid. If you can, continue reaching out and connecting with others and doing your bit to support those who need it.
