Ending The Culture of Painful And Unsatisfying Sex
8-minute read
Have you ever felt obligated to be sexual when you didn’t really feel like it? So your partner would stop asking? Or so they wouldn’t be upset? Or to manage your own feelings of guilt?
Have you ever endured sex that was painful because you thought that’s what it was meant to be like? Or because it felt difficult to tell your partner what was going on for you without feeling judged or shamed?
If you’ve ever been pressured into sexual activity, endured uncomfortable sex or been sexual when you didn’t really want to, know that you’re not alone. Experiences like this are far from uncommon.
These experiences significantly impact a person’s mental, emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing. They can lead to resentment and contempt within relationships, diminish trust, damage self-worth and lead to sexual challenges.
Given the devastating consequences this can have on peoples’ lives, why is it still happening?
Why does this culture persist?
The pervasive culture of tolerating painful or unsatisfying sex has existed for eons. Here are five critiques of the myths that maintain a culture that normalises pain, teaches people to endure unsatisfying sex for a partner’s sake or makes it hard for them to say no to sex they don’t want.
Myth 1: Some people deserve sex or are owed it from others.
Did you know men could legally rape their wives in Victoria, Australia until 1986 when a law finally passed that no longer legally exempt husbands from this crime? Regardless of this, sexual assault and rape have one of the lowest conviction rates despite the extremely high prevalence. This alone says a lot about how this culture indoctrinates its members to believe implicitly that some folks’ pleasure is superior to others. That those with less power must go out of their way to appease those with more power or give in to requests out of fear for safety or to alleviate strong feelings of guilt and shame they have been taught to feel.
Patriarchal, capitalist and white supremacist systems maintain rape culture through protecting and excusing behaviours and attitudes that normalise coercive or painful sex and pardon those that violate others’ rights to safety and consent. Rape culture centres the pleasure and needs of white people, cisgender (1) men, non-disabled people and people with thin or muscular bodies at the expense of people who have been pushed to the margins of society or who hold less social power. This myth is modelled within families and communities, prioritising certain peoples’ satisfaction over others pain and discomfort. It is reinforced through moral, puritanical or religious beliefs and within media and pop culture.
Check out the YouTube video below by attn for a brief discussion of some of the media messages movies have shared with us about sex and consent.
Myth 2: People, especially women, like the chase or want to be pursued even after they’ve expressed their lack of interest or said no.
Continuing to ask someone if they want to be sexual after they’ve indicated that they’re not interested can be stressful, frightening and mentally exhausting. Persistent asking is often used as a tactic to wear someone down until they give in. Ever heard the expression “their lips said no but their body said yes”? This phrase is disturbingly common and further reflects this myth, implying that no doesn’t really mean no. The normalisation of this behaviour is the embodiment of rape culture, occurring in the absence of freely given consent. This is never acceptable. It is always violence.
Myth 3: Once you’ve said yes, you can’t change your mind.
It’s your right to withdraw consent and change your mind at any given time. Without being able to say no when you want, your yes is no longer a choice.
Remember that it is each person’s responsibility to meet their own sexual and pleasure needs. Despite what you may have learnt, you don’t have to continue with something that doesn’t bring you pleasure for the sake of someone else, even if you love and respect that person and want to satisfy them. Instead, is up to that person, not you, to fulfil their pleasure needs. Folks who value this are far more likely to have a respectful, trusting, safe and satisfying experience.
When you think consent, think F.R.I.E.S.
Myth 4: Penetrative sex is the best kind of sex. If it’s absent from your relationship(s), something must be wrong.
This myth demonstrates the ableist, cis, heteronormative and patriarchal narratives within sexual culture that values penetrative sex at the top of the hierarchy of “real sex”. This centres some folks pleasure and excludes others. Internalising these beliefs can leave people feeling abnormal, dissatisfied and limits their potential for pleasurable and creative sexual experiences.
Plenty of people enjoy penetrative sex and plenty don’t and that’s okay. There are many sexual experiences beyond penetration that count as genuine sex. Think of all the activities that are conventionally considered foreplay. Remember that foreplay is sex. Try on the possibility that any sexual experience can be a valid, exciting and satisfying way to be sexual with yourself or others, as long as it brings you enjoyment.
Myth 5: You should be grateful someone actually even wants to have sex with you.
Folks whose bodies and experiences are different from the dominant experience (cis-hetero, white, non-disabled, thin bodied) are told they should be happy with whatever they can get because they might not be so fortunate next time. This includes enduring painful, unsatisfying sex or remaining in an abusive relationship for fear of being alone.
I am deeply sorry for anyone who has ever gone through this and this is never okay.
All people are deserving of love, are worthy and valuable. All bodies are beautiful and lovable. It is possible for everybody to experience pleasure and respectful connection.
How are these myths maintained?
These ideals are maintained through the systems of oppression that operate in our society. Colonisation, white supremacy, capitalism and the patriarchy benefit from the existence of such myths in other to maintain power and privilege within the groups of people who are protected, supported and benefit from the systems the most. These systems are maintained by and operate within:
Behaviours, beliefs and attitudes modelled in families and communities
Messages and attitudes in pop culture - those found in movies and TV shows we download, the books we read, the Instagrammers we follow and YouTubers we watch, the ads we see, the porn we stream or the magazines we buy
The absence of accurate and inclusive sexual education, especially sexual education that is consent focused and sex-positive
A culture that makes it unsafe for some people feel to say no
In agreeing to penetrative sex when you don’t feel like it because you’ve been socialised to believe you owe it to your partner
In the justice system, including laws that excuse the behaviour of dominant members of society and the unchallenged implicit biases towards certain marginalised groups, held by those who hold power
What can we do about it?
Reflect on where you learnt these messages
Sex & relationship coach Dawn Serra poses a great question. Think back to your early family life – whose pleasure was it that was centred in your home or community? Who was able to sit back and rest while another had to work? Who spent the majority of the time cleaning or contributing to the care of others?
Put on your detective cap and re-watch movies and re-read books you enjoyed as a teen or still enjoy today. Notice what kinds of messages they’re subtly sharing about power dynamics, relationships, sex and consent. Tell your friends.
Consider your own power and privilege as a member of each group you identify with (eg being a man, educated, having a high income, having white/light skin or identifying as heterosexual). Your privilege is something you have, that others don’t have, which also doesn’t make your life more difficult (2). Consider how your privilege might’ve shielded you from knowing what someone else is going through or allow you to make assumptions about them.
Reflect on your beliefs about consent. Do you seek it out and listen for an enthusiastic yes? Is your decision and choice to say no respected by others. Watch Consent: It’s as as Simple as Tea.
Listen to your body, notice when your body feels relaxed and open and let that guide you to what activities you engage in. If something is not as enjoyable or doesn’t work for you, practice communicating that with others. At times folks might engage in things they don’t really want to to avoid embarrassing others or hurting their feelings. It might feel hard at first, but practice makes perfect and remember those feelings will pass. To learn more, sign up to the mailing list and download the free guide to communicating boundaries
Seek support – talk to a trusted friend or someone you know will be a good listener, reach out to a support group, email or book an appointment with a sexologist and bring your partner to work through some of these challenges in a safe space.
Resources
Read: The Female Price of Male Pleasure by Lili Loofbourow; All About Consent by Planned Parenthood.
Notes:
Cis or cisgender is the term that describes a person whose gender aligns with the gender they were assigned at birth (which was based on the unreliable measure of a baby’s external genitals).
Ijeoma Oluo. So, You Want to Talk About Race. 2018. Seal Press.
