When You Don’t Feel Like Sex - And Why That’s Okay
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15-minute read
The reasons some folks don’t want to have sex or don’t feel like being sexual are far reaching, pretty common and all valid. Let’s take a look at some of the factors that may influence your interest in sex, including the outcomes of medicalising desire; the role of ongoing stressors or high stress contexts; the impact of pain, illness or medication; the role of a limited definition of sex; and the different ways desire can be experienced that you might not have been taught about. In this article I’ll share a few ideas of why you or your partner(s) might not feel desire in the way you expect, and why that’s okay.
Medicalising desire
Have you ever heard of Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder? How about Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder? These are some of the diagnoses found in the DSM-5 (1), aka the psychologist’s handbook of Mental Disorders. While diagnoses are associated with numerous benefits, including providing context and acceptance within relationships, recognition and access to support after possibly years of not knowing or after having been dismissed or denied, they are also faced with heavy criticisms. It’s easy to see how these diagnoses become labels that conform to the gender binary while medicalising and pathologising peoples’ distress and experiences of lower sexual desire. As you’ll soon learn, lower or fluctuating desire is an incredibly common experience, which can be impacted by a seemingly unlimited number of events or experiences that result in the very natural reduction in one’s interest in being sexual.
These diagnoses often fail to take into consideration how these common experiences of desire and distress fit into the wider sociocultural, economic and political contexts. For example, imagine being told that it’s not okay to not feel like sex, or suddenly having to carry around a label of sexual dysfunction because of changes in your life that are outside of your control. Many report this label can feel shameful, isolating or exacerbate any intersecting issues. Problematically, treatment for sexual dysfunction often takes an individual focus, rather than addressing interpersonal and social factors.
The New View Manifesto
One counter approach to diagnosing sexual dysfunctions is the New View Manifesto (2) by the Working Group. They propose that contextual and systemic factors can impact someone’s pleasure, sexual interest and arousal response, and that diagnosing people is part of the problem rather than a solution. For example, relationship challenges, unpleasurable and painful sexual experiences, pressure to have sex, experiences of trauma or abuse or biological or physical effects associated with medication, drugs or illnesses may all contribute to decreased sexual interest and may better explain the fluctuations or distress someone may be feeling.
It’s also important to consider whether people who have experienced distress associated with lower desire might be distressed because of the impact its having on their relationship or other areas in their life. They may believe that they’re failing or are less worthy because they’re not meeting sociocultural expectations and norms. This culture is simultaneously hyper and hyposexualised, depending on who you are; you may learn you should always be ready for sex no matter what, or you might learn that sex isn’t for you, it’s for the person you’re with and therefore don’t expect it to be any good. People face a high likelihood of being indoctrinated to believe that sex is a duty and it’s owed to those in relationships. These myths become the contexts for which most people understand themselves, their relationships and their sexual experiences, drastically reducing the the likelihood for pleasurable experiences.
The impact of stressors on desire
It might be the case that someone doesn’t really know what they enjoy because they’ve been discouraged from exploring their body and socialised to be ashamed of how they look. Maybe they were taught that painful sex is just part of the deal and this ongoing pain has left them fearful of having sexual experiences. Perhaps they’re so over worked and exhausted they don’t have time to think about or want to be sexual. Maybe they experience fatphobia, racism, ableism or other forms of daily oppression or microaggressions that make it incredibly difficult to feel relaxed and safe enough to allow themselves to notice their pleasure, then arousal, in order to experience desire. Perhaps they’ve suddenly lost their job, been stood-down or already had a lower income. Maybe they don’t get paid enough to cover basic expenses like food, water, electricity or a place to live and could facing eviction or currently homeless. It makes a lot of sense how these other factors might contribute to not being in a space to be sexual. This illustrates how these challenges can’t really be solved by one person alone because they often occur at an interpersonal, familial, social and systemic level.
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Pain, medication, illness and performative sex
Folks that experience painful sex, pelvic, genital pain or other forms or chronic pain may experience high levels of distress, stress or fear and anxiety associated with being sexual. Ongoing, untreated or unacknowledged pain and pushing through painful experiences because folks believe they should can lead to a tumultuous relationship with sex and the relationship those folks have with their bodies. With many experiencing a disconnect or fragmented mind-body connection, and dissociation becomes a protective mechanism that supports people to leave uncomfortable or unsafe situations and move into a safer place somewhere else in their mind, where they’re no longer present in their bodies.
Antidepressants, antipsychotics or medication to support chronic illness, cancer or other aspects of health can all interfere with peoples’ sexual response, desire and pleasure. Medication, illness or disability bring further challenges, including fatigue, exhaustion, different experiences with erections and lubrication. Uncertainty or inconsistencies in health may reduce their bodies available resources, and they may find they don’t have enough resources available to be sexual in the same way as others - according to the dominant narrative of what sex “should” be.
Other challenges pertain to anxiety associated with unenjoyable sex that feels like a performance. People stop enjoying sex because they’re preoccupied by questions about whether they’re doing it right, how they compare to the norm or how their bodies look and function. These thoughts take folks out of their bodies, away from the present moment and into their heads. This escalates pleasure anxiety whereby pleasure feels inaccessible and unachievable, and though folks try to hold onto it, they no longer can.
When sex only looks like one thing
When the definition of sex is limited to experiences of penetration as the main course, many folks are excluded and it create expectations that others feel they must live up to. The dominant narrative of sex that prioritises penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex at the top of the hierarchy and views every other sexual experience as foreplay limits sexual pleasure and enjoyment, and continues to centre the experiences of heterosexual, cis (3) men and those who are thin and non-disabled; excluding almost everyone else. This view can keep people feeling trapped, isolated and as if they’re broken because they don’t enjoy or want PIV sex or can’t experience it in the way they expect they should.
There is monumental diversity across and between humans. Such a limited definition can create challenges and make it increasingly difficult for many people to enjoy being sexual when the definition of sex that we’re socialised into only looks a certain way. This increases the likelihood that the sex most people are having is not necessary sex that they enjoy, but that they have because they’ve been socialised to believe it should be.
Disabled folks, those with chronic illness, fat folks, trans (4) people, Black folks, People of Colour or older adults are the groups most excluded and least represented in sexual and pleasure narratives. Representation is central to the way folks form their understandings, expectations and narratives of who is a sexual person and who is allowed to experience pleasure. Without seeing yourself represented as a sexual being, it can be difficult to recognise yourself as a sexual person who deserves love and pleasure. By broadening your idea of sex to sexual experiences and including anything that feels good as defined by each person, it’s possible to increase pleasure and satisfaction and move away from sex as exclusive and a performance. This will allow sexual experiences to be accessible for anyone who wants them rather than just the most privileged.
Responsive vs. spontaneous desire
Other challenges of desire relate to ideas of how desire works. When we contemplate desire, we often think of spontaneous desire (5), also known as the sudden wanting to be sexual with seemingly limited influences from external factors. This might look like waking up and feeling turned on or seeing something sexually relevant and sex pops into your brain. This experience is common for some people and for many folks it’s not. While it’s not the most common experience, it is the main message of desire that we’re socialised into, mainly through media (including the books, TV shows, movies and porn, and the way folks talk about sex with one another).
In contrast, responsive desire is sexual interest that emerges in response to sexy contexts and after feeling arousal in your body. Despite the fact that this type of desire is less talked about, it accounts for a large proportion of desire many people experience. Many others may have a combination of both at different times.
As sex educator and author Emily Nagoski puts it, “pleasure is the measure”. A central element of desire is to ensure that whatever you’re experiencing is pleasurable. This means that responsive desire responds to pleasurable experiences and is likely to turn off in anticipation or experiencing pain, discomfort or stress, while spontaneous desire occurs in anticipation of pleasure (6).
The dual control model
As you know, stressors play a huge role in not feeling like being sexual. One model to assist our understanding of this is the dual control model of sexual response (7) and is similar to all the other systems that automatically regulate our bodies. The way our brains respond to sexual information is through this system which includes the sexual excitation system (SES) or Sexual Inhibition System (SIS). As explained by Emily Nagoski, these systems can be termed the accelerator and the break. SES or the “accelerator” notices any sexually relevant information and interprets that as good reasons to have sex. The SIS or the “break” acts as a protective system or survival strategy and recognises all the reasons not to have sex right now (8). Our “lizard” or emotive limbic brain makes an instantaneous decision about what is safe and what is dangerous (both real and perceived) and in most cases will decide that it’s never a good time to have sex when you might be in danger. This parallels what happens during our autonomic nervous system which activates our fight, flight or freeze response.
For some folks, their accelerator is more (or less) sensitive to sexual info while their break is more (or less) sensitive to risks than the next person. This can determine the extent and sensitivity of the desire they experience. Simultaneous activation of both systems might help recognise that when there are a lot of stressors present in your life, you don’t feel like being sexual even though all the sexy conditions are right. In order to create optimum environments for desire, ideally you might like to focus on increasing sexy contexts and decreasing stressors or other factors that ride on your break. Although, sometimes that’s easier said than done.
Asexuality spectrum
People are incredibly diverse and their experiences of desire (and arousal) are just as unique. For many folks this might include being asexual. Asexuality is an umbrella term for a spectrum of experiences that are incredibly diverse and often transcends a simple definition. For the sake of this piece, asexuality is described as a sexual orientation that includes having limited to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual folks may engage in all sorts of sexual experiences and find these activities incredibly pleasurable. For some people, or aromantic folks, this might look like not feeling any romantic attraction to others but feeling sexual desire and attraction. If you’ve never really been interested in being sexual or never noticed much attraction to others, or if you once did and now don’t, your experience is okay and its valid. You might like to read more about the asexuality spectrum (9).
Things to remember
For most people, desire and relationships take work, effort and nurturance.
When people don’t feel like having sex, it might not be that they don’t feel like any sort of sex at all. It could mean they just don’t feel like having penetrative sex or the same kind of routine sex they’ve always had.
Be curious about context and past experiences when you’re wondering why you’re not in the mood. They both play a huge role in whether you’re in the right space to be sexual.
Remind yourself that it’s okay for your interest in sex to change over time. Desire that waxes and wanes is common and expected.
You don’t owe anyone sex, and no one owes you sex. Each person is responsible for meeting their own sexual needs. Pressure to have sex can make it even more difficult to feel in the mood.
Focusing on performative issues such as whether you’re doing sex right, how your body looks and functions can reduce pleasure and enjoyment of sexual experiences. It’s okay if you’ve experience these things. This is the model of sexuality we’re socialised into. Being aware of it and trying to stay in the moment are the first step to unlearning it.
If you feel frustrated – know that’s okay. Let yourself feel your feelings rather than bottling them up. Let your feelings guide you towards what you might need.
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What now?
Creating contexts for desire and pleasure
It might be helpful to explore your desire and arousal experiences, especially if you’re feeling distressed, concerned or your relationships are being impacted. Try some of the following ideas to get thinking about your desire.
Begin to notice what activates your accelerator (SES). Focus on what feels good. Ask yourself: are the things you’re doing things that feel pleasurable? Are the sexual experiences you’re having the kind of sex you want to be having? Spend some time exploring your body and see what makes your body feel relaxed, open or welcoming. Pay attention to what works and write it down.
Notice what might be hitting your break (SIS). Create a list of stressors in your life or things that make your body constrict or feel closed (including social and cultural messages, forms of oppression, discrimination or trauma) which might be stomping on your break with such force you don’t even have an opportunity to feel aroused. It’s okay if this is happening for you. This can be incredibly hard and you’re not alone.
Think of the sexual activities that count as real sex for you. Now think of all the sexual and pleasurable experiences that feel good. How much overlap is there between real sex and the experiences that feel good? You don’t have to change your idea of what sex is in a day, but consider whether this idea that sex can only look like a few things is serving you and whether you could increase your pleasure and enjoyment by defining sex for yourself and including sexually relevant experiences that feels good to you.
A no to sex doesn’t mean a no to connection - If pain, fatigue or other challenges get in the way, you always have the option to adapt and try something else if part of you still wants to be sexual or intimate. It’s okay if that looks like cuddling, massage, kissing or solo sex. Anything that feels good is a valid sexual experience.
Prioritise intimacy in your relationship without distraction – this isn’t to say you should schedule sex. In fact, scheduling sex can create all sorts of pressure and expectations that can kill the mood. Instead, prioritise time for intimacy and connection. Schedule uninterrupted time together to do things that are fun, enjoyable, pleasurable or relaxing.
How does your partner respond when you experience pain, exhaustion or when you’re not up for anything? Partners that close off or turn away can become another stressor. It can be hard to sit with rejection because it feels so personal. Yet, learning to calm and managing your feelings will reduce the likelihood of complicating an already difficult subject.
Given the extensive list of factors that could impact desire, arousal and pleasure; if sex feels less than enjoyable, if you’re struggling to experience desire or if you experience other sexual and pleasure challenges, remember that it makes a lot of sense. While it’s not always possible to overcome every challenge, especially since so many of those are outside your control, you can focus on self-kindness and curiosity and reflect on what might be going on.
Notes:
The American Psychiatric Society. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: Fifth Edition (DSM-5).
The Working Group. A New View Manifesto: A New View of Women’s Sexual Problems. Retrieve at http://www.newviewcampaign.org/manifesto5.asp
Cis or cisgender is the term that describes a person whose gender aligns with the gender they were assigned at birth.
Trans or transgender is the term that describes a person whose gender transcends the gender they were assigned at birth.
Emily Nagoski. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. 2015. Simon Schuster Publishing.
Emily Nagoski. Come As You Are Workbook: A practical Guide to the Science of Sex. 2019. Simon Schuster Paperback.
Erick Janssen & John Bancroft. The Dual Control Model: The Role of Sexual Inhibition & Excitation in Sexual Arousal and Behaviour
Emily Nagoski. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. 2015. Simon Schuster Publishing.
To learn more about asexuality visit https://www.asexuality.org
