Prioritising Pleasure - part 2
How to support everyone’s pleasure
6-minute read
We all play a role in maintaining culture. Through recognising systemic barriers, messages and beliefs we are able to work towards dismantling them. Changing the culture of sex and pleasure is necessary to shift the dominant narrative away from a view that states that pleasure is only available for certain bodies towards pleasure being available for everyone without limits.
Here are some things you could do to get started:
Recognise your pleasure privilege or the ways you benefit in society where others do not. For you to experience pleasure without barriers, it may mean someone pleasure is obstructed or has had to go without.
Listen, follow and learn about the experiences of the people who have had their pleasure, needs and rights ignored or who have been excluded and marginalised by society while you have benefited from being included and seen. We all must centre folks who have been excluded or pushed to societies margins. Give them the space to share their own stories and knowledge without asking them to filter their rage, anger or pain. Give up some of your pleasure and comfort and sit in the discomfort of witnessing someone else’s hurt; listen to what it means for you, especially if you have been complicit in their oppression. Being an ally can mean sharing your privilege and your platform with those who are not given the same opportunities. This can begin to redistribute the pleasure power held by a few select groups towards all groups.
Examine and challenge your beliefs about which bodies are considered attractive and worthy of pleasure and love. This is something you have learned. It can be unlearned. Do this by learning about weight bias and unlearning fatphobia. Follow Ashlee Bennett the Body Image Therapist, check out The Body Image School and purchase her online course Internalised Fat Phobia and Body Image.
Be open to learning about your physical response to diverse bodies. As a way to ensure survival, over time people have evolved to be fearful of things they do not understand or that are different from them, regardless of whether they’re actually dangerous. Our primal or lizard brain uses a system to code information within our environments into “safe” and “dangerous” categories so it can automatically and instantaneously identify a threat and activate the fight, flight or freeze response to ensure your best chance of survival. This lizard/primal part of our brain inaccurately encodes that which is familiar as comfortable and safe, and that which is different as uncomfortable and dangerous (1). These feelings are reinforced through cultural norms and expectations when we get used to seeing some bodies more than others or are taught some bodies are more dangerous than others. If we are unaware of these biases, they can inform our beliefs about who we find attractive, who we should be afraid of, who deserves pleasure and which bodies are safest. We allow these feelings to guide our actions which then makes it more likely that we will discriminate against, exclude or hurt those that are different or whose bodies are less familiar to us. Becoming comfortable and familiar with diverse bodies will normalise and allow you to relearn these implicit beliefs and recognise the beauty in diversity.
Regularly follow folks on Instagram and other platforms with diverse bodies, including bodies that are both different and similar to your own to normalise, decrease shame and become comfortable with a range of body types.
Start unlearning white supremacy, which makes all places unsafe for Black people, Indigenous folks and people of colour. It’s not enough to just not be racist. We all must be anti-racist. Purchase and read Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World and Become a Good Ancestor by Layla F. Saad.
Learn about the systemic obstacles people in disabled, bigger or fat bodies face. Read the article from Your Fat Friend: A Letter from the Fat Person on Your Flight.
Consider broadening your definition of what counts as “real sex”. While sex is defined differently by many folks, the dominant narrative often views penetrative intercourse as the main-course. This view is ableist, cis-heteronormative and excludes and limits what is possible for many folks. Remember that foreplay is real sex for many people. Anything sexual that brings pleasure can be considered a real, genuine and valid sexual experience.
Photo by Jennifer Enujiugha from Pexels
How to increase your pleasure
Give yourself permission to feel pleasure. Remind yourself that pleasure is available to you in many forms. It’s ok if this feels hard at first. It might take some time getting used to this thought. Deciding to experience pleasure is also an act of resistance against the forms of power that have restricted it.
Practice listening to your body and become more aware of what it’s trying to tell you. Notice the sensations that move in and out of your body and mind as you approach different activities or experience different things – does your body feel relaxed? Open? Tingly? Does it feel constricted and closed? Notice the places within your body that feel good and pay attention to them. Let your body guide you to what sensations it enjoys most.
Experience pleasure in five senses. Think about what pleasure might look like for you. Write down five things (consider each of your five-senses) that currently bring you pleasure (non-sexual and/or sexual) and five more experiences you’d like to have that could be pleasurable and that are accessible to you right now. For example, notice which foods bring you pleasure when you eat them as well as how you feel afterwards; listen to ASMR for some tingles; explore parks or forests around where you live or work; watch a sunset or check out some photos of diverse oiled bodies.
Have you considered taking up a new hobby? Maybe its spending more time reading, or moulding clay with your hands or painting or drawing or writing. Perhaps it’s something that makes you feel a bit nervous like starting your own group with people in your area to increase your pleasure through connection. Maybe it’s trying out new sex toys as part of your evening wind-down routine. Make more time for that, be intentional. The world is a busy place and your pleasure is your responsibility.
Seek support. Book a session or contact a sexologist if you’re feeling stuck, want to explore more ideas or want to unpack your beliefs and experiences about pleasure in a safe space.
Stay curious and be open to new experiences and your potential for pleasure.
Pleasure resources
Read: Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Marie Grown and Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Listen: Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics Podcast; Doing it! With Hannah Witton; Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra; The knowledge project Episode #66 Dr Emily Nagoski: pleasure is the measure.
Watch/Listen: Search ASMR on YouTube; Guided Masturbation with Dr Doe on Sexplanations
Notes:
Resmaa Menakem. My Grandmothers Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway To Mending Our Hearts and Bodies. 2017. Central Recovery Press.
