Prioritising pleasure - Part 1
Photo by Autumn Goodman on Unsplash
6-minute read
Research continues to tell us that accurate, inclusive and representative sexual and pleasure knowledge is a necessary element in satisfying, safe and consensual sexual experiences. Despite this, a tremendous amount of silence exists around pleasure which is habitually accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt, fear or disgust.
Pleasure is often excluded from sexual education in schools, is absent during visits to GPs and medical specialists, is often excluded from health professional training, is infrequently represented in films, TV or books and takes a backseat in conversations about sex within relationships and communities.
Your pleasure is your responsibility and dismantling pleasure-negative culture can start with you. Read on to learn more about the ins and outs of pleasure.
So, what is pleasure?
Pleasure is defined as the feeling of happiness, enjoyment or satisfaction. Pleasure is a multifaceted phenomenon that is both non-sexual and sexual and is often experienced as emotional, physical, mental, spiritual or relational. A plethora of experiences or events are considered pleasurable and these are often as personal, unique and varied as the individual who experiences them.
What are the benefits of pleasure?
The benefits associated with sexual and non-sexual pleasure are extensive and include increased emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Many of the benefits associated with being sexual can be attributed to the pleasure that comes with enjoyable sexual experiences.
Pleasure has been linked to feelings of calm and relaxation and can support bodies to soothe and settle.
Pleasure supports people to learn about their bodies and their preferences.
Pleasure has been linked to improved immune functioning and in supporting bodies and minds to repair, heal and strengthen following trauma.
Pleasure is freeing. Giving yourself permission to take and experience the pleasure that is rightfully yours can be incredibly liberating and lead to greater self, emotional and body acceptance.
Pleasure is an act of resistance, particularly for those who have historically and culturally been restricted from accessing pleasure. In giving yourself permission and actively seeking pleasure, you’re challenging the narrative that pleasure is only for certain bodies.
Pleasure is inclusive and can supportive of all people, especially those that experience physical, emotional or mental health challenges, trauma, disability or illness. Having positive experiences in your body supports you to feel connected with yourself and recognise the potential for enjoyment and satisfaction across all areas of your life.
Pleasure has been found to increase relationship satisfaction through heightened connection and trust with ourselves and others.
Prioritising pleasure confronts the dangerous attitude that certain bodies should ignore or tolerate discomfort and pain. Pursuing pleasure means listening to your body and noticing when it feels open and relaxed versus when it feels anything less than pleasurable, constricted or uncomfortable.
Pleasure reduces sexual anxiety through shifting the focus during sex from penetration and sexual performance towards a shared responsibility of creating enjoyment for each person involved. This opens up the door to endless possibilities of what sex could look like.
Prioritising pleasure reduces the likelihood of agreeing to sex when you don’t really want it or when you have it for your partner’s sake. This is sometimes known as dutiful sex.
Pleasure has been found to support people through difficult or painful times in their lives.
Photo by Malvestida Magazine on Unsplash
Where does pleasure become complicated?
Can you tell what someone finds pleasurable just by looking at them? Through reading body language or listening for joy in verbal cues, folks can often recognise when someone is having a good time. However, when it comes to sexual pleasure, the physical indicators people use to tell if someone is aroused, enjoying or desiring are often unreliable.
In the acclaimed work of sex educator and author of Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski explains that physical genital arousal (eg when genitals fill with blood, become erect or produce lubrication) is not an accurate predictor of someone’s enjoyment or how aroused they’re feeling. Instead, the only thing genital response can tell us is whether something is sexually relevant. Genitals may respond to a whole range of sexually relevant events, some of which may align with your preferences and many that you may not enjoy, find boring or even distressing.
This phenomenon, called arousal non-concordance, illustrates the importance of regularly checking in and seeking feedback when getting sexy instead of assuming things are going well based on what someone’s genitals are doing. For instance, a person with a penis might have an erection but that doesn’t mean they’re turned on by what they’re experiencing. Similarly, a person with a vulva might not be wet and that doesn’t mean they aren’t excited. Congruence between how aroused someone feels and what their genitals are doing might only occur about 10% of the time for cis (1) women and about 50% of the time for cis men.
So, what does this mean? Essentially, genital response should not be taken as evidence of enjoyment or desire. Check in often and ask people how they’re feeling and if they’re enjoying what’s going on. Listen and look for a clear, enthusiastic yes. Assume anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a no. Remind one another that consent can be freely withdrawn at any time.
Who is pleasure for? And WHO has been excluded?
Both sexual and non-sexual pleasure is the right of everybody in every sort of body.
Denial of pleasure information and experiences are found throughout many cultures, highlighting the systemic and oppressive obstacles to equitable pleasure for all people. People in fat bodies, disabled bodies, Black bodies, bodies of colour, ethnically diverse bodies, trans (2), intersex or queer bodies, chronically ill bodies or older bodies are just some of the many people that have been perceived as less than deserving of pleasure. This is evident through systemic inaccessibility in the spaces many folks live.
Here are some examples you might not have thought about:
People are restricted from accessing places that could bring them pleasure because their seat at the theatre or on the plane is too small or they’re forced to leave or pay extra for an additional seat that still doesn’t fit their body.
Someone’s wheel or power chair might be able to fit through the door, but they can’t get to the area to see the bands play that they want because their needs were an afterthought and there aren’t any ramps or spaces for their chair.
Fat or larger people are harassed, abused or shamed as unhealthy for enjoying foods that bring their bodies pleasure.
Fat or larger folks are often unable to find clothes that fit well and feel good because mainstream clothing shops don’t stock their sizes.
Many folks in diverse bodies are not represented in pop culture as sexual people or are dehumanised and fetishised as sexual objects that must adhere to incredibly narrow beauty standards.
White supremacy and capitalism have indoctrinated racist, fatphobic and ableist beliefs into all people through implicit messages that suggest that Black people, people of Colour, fat or disabled people are different from thin, white and non-disabled folks. Our stress response or lizard brain equates different with dangerous, unattractive, undeserving of safety, pleasure, comfort, connection, touch or love (and many experience touch starvation) and do not experience the same rights that privileged bodies are afforded. These messages are internalised and can impact every aspect of one’s identity, feelings of self-worth and value and spiritual, mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
Systems of oppression invade all spaces, making it incredibly difficult to enjoy being in the moment for fear of microaggressions, violence or having your right to safety violated and your body questioned and judged.
Read Part 2 to learn about supporting and increasing others and your own pleasure.
Notes:
Cis or cisgender is the term that describes a person whose gender aligns with the gender they were assigned at birth (which was based on the unreliable measure of a baby’s external genitals).
Trans or transgender is the term that describes a person whose gender has transcended the gender they were assigned at birth (which was based on the unreliable measure of a baby’s external genitals).
