How To Deal with Sexual Rejection
6- minute read
Perceiving an experience as rejection or believing you’re not wanted can engender strong feelings of fear, anxiety and grief. To our primal brain, rejection means abandonment, a loss of control or access and is experienced as a threat to survival.
Similar to shame, rejection triggers a stress response that shuts down the logical region the brain and shifts you into fight, flight, freeze or fawn, bringing real physiological discomfort.
If you don’t understand why your sexual partner doesn’t want to have sex with you and when your ability to think logically and remain curious shuts down because you’re stressed, it makes sense why this can feel like a personal rejection.
Feeling rejected by sexual partners is reinforced when social systems that link worth with desirability become internalised and you strongly believe the myth that having your invitation for sex turned down must be because there’s something wrong with you, that you’re being turned down because you’re not attractive enough or in someway not good enough.
You might begin to collect all the evidence that supports this belief and become trapped by confirmation bias. The distress of feeling rejected is again exacerbated by the belief that sexual intimacy is the ultimate or only way to give and receive love, closeness and validation. It can seem that without sex, these needs will remain unmet.
When this happens you might find yourself pursuing sex twofold or your willingness to initiate diminishes - both responses are often protective; either try harder or give up entirely to avoid the hurt. Regardless of which response you fall into, you’re unknowingly reinforcing a cycle that creates pressure, avoidance and disconnection.
From your partners perspective, saying no becomes associated with potential consequences. To them it may seem like a simpler option (or the only option) to agree or give in to pressure. While this may alleviate anxiety short term, in the long run pressure continues to build, everyones sexual satisfaction declines, the likelihood of pain or discomfort increases (from bracing/feeling stressed/not being aroused) and may result in their avoidance of sex or anything that could lead to sex.
Feelings are messengers, not facts
Start exploring the story you’re telling yourself about the rejection event and consider asking yourself: “Are they actually rejecting me or does it just feel like rejection?” “What if my partner’s no wasn’t about me, what if it was because they were dealing with other things that made sex not feel possible? And does knowing this change anything?”
There’s a plethora of reasons why partners might not be into sexual intimacy. Exhaustion, pain, stress, grief, no longer enjoying the sex they’re having, wanting to do other tasks or have other experiences, feeling stuck in the daily grind, being overworked, having responsive desire and needing time to build up arousal before wanting sex, experiencing anti-fat attitudes, ableism, sexism or other kinds of oppression, living with trauma, dealing with body image issues, having touch fatigue or simply not wanting sex.
More times than not some’s disinterest derives from not being in the headspace of having the physical/mental resources for sex and not from a lack of feeling attracted to or wanting their partner.
Feelings are messengers that can tell you a heck of a lot about what else you might need and can help you realise why being turned down hurts so much. If you’re perceiving a no from your partner as soul crushing rejection, maybe you’re actually feeling lonely. Maybe you’re feeling left out. Maybe you haven’t spent much time together and that’s been upsetting you. Maybe you need partner validation which tends to only come from sex.
When you have collected enough information you can use this to make a request to spend more time together or give your partner insight into what they could do differently to let you down easy.
Explore your rejection story
Have you thought about how closely feeling accepted by a partner (or anyone for that matter) is tied to feeling worthy, validated and valued?
Reflect on the messages that you’ve received that equate how desirable, attractive and valuable you are as a person with whether someone wants to get sexy with you. These beliefs form a large part of your rejection story and can explain why rejection feels triggering.
If you’re trans, intersex, disabled, chronically ill, Black, Indigenous, a Person of Colour, fat or living in a larger body, of a lower social class, a woman, Queer or an older person you may have deep ingrained stories that tell you if no one is actively pursuing after you then it’s because you’re an inherently flawed and undesirable person. These socio-cultural and political myths have been used as a means of control and desexualise people from marginalised groups. While they are not grounded in truth they have very real outcomes on your sense of self-worth and mental health.
If you’ve had partners who’ve turned down your request for sexual intimacy without explanation, with coldness, with criticism, contempt or judgement then certainly receiving a no becomes linked with your value and can seem like your whole self is being rejected. Sometimes feeling rejected in a sexual context is amplified by rejection in non-sexual contexts; by your family, friends or community in your early life.
Be curious about the reason behind their no
If sex is often unavailable, get curious as to why. Here are a few questions you could ask:
“What’s been going on for you that seems to get in the way of wanting sexual intimacy?”
“How enjoyable or satisfying has sex been for you?”
“How often does the kind of sex (whether its routine or our go to) influence whether you feel like being sexual?"
“Do you need to be fully aroused or already experiencing pleasure before you decide you want sex?”
"How often do you use sex to cope with stress?”
“Can sexual intimacy and prioritising pleasure become a way to deal with stress together?”
Relearn how to receive a no
Do you really want to have sex with someone that isn’t into it or only agreeing to avoid hurting your feelings? How important is your partners pleasure, satisfaction and boundaries?
While you’re thinking about the impact of rejection on your wellbeing, also think about the way you respond when you receive a no. Reflect on if and how your response could potentially complicate whether your partner feels like its possible to express their boundaries. If your partner is afraid to say no because there are consequences (both real and perceived) or they’re cautious of hurting your feelings, they might struggle to say no.
If your relationship has fallen into a cycle where sex has become a duty to avoid rejection or potential consequences, acknowledge that. Talk about the impacts of dutiful sex, practice setting boundaries together and make space to say no when either of you doesn’t feel like it.
Become aware of your response to their no. If you respond with frustration, anger, defensiveness or avoidance, make space for those feelings and let your partner know what going on for you without blaming. Think about why it might be upsetting to hear their no. Thank them for their honesty. Think about what might make you feel better in this moment and ask your partner if they’d be open to supporting you through that.
Talk with them to explore kinder ways they could express their disinterest without activating your defensiveness. When sexual intimacy isn’t on the table, new stories can be created and saying no doesn’t always be a rejection. Saying no can still mean turning towards each other instead of away.
Try on the belief that a no to sex doesn’t have to mean a no to connection. To turn towards without participating in obligatory sex might be to offer up other forms of intimacy. A cuddle, spooning, some kisses, taking time to talk about your days and feelings, a foot rub, watching YouTube together or sharing a meal without distraction might be the kind of loving and connectedness sex has been standing in for.
Make repairs often
If you do find yourself in a cycle of rejection, disconnect, conflict, avoidance or dutiful sex, be accountable, apologise and make attempts to approach sexual intimacy differently. Work together to acknowledge these feelings, turn towards each repair the hurt if and when rejection comes up.
The Gottman Institute on Repairs
