Overthinking shuts down sex and pleasure: a case study
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8 minute read
For many individuals, being present during pleasure experiences can be an incredibly challenging, overwhelming experience. Often times this occurs because of a disconnect between the mind-body connection in response to indoctrination that teaches people to deprioritise their needs, to believe pleasure is a moral failing or that certain bodies aren’t worthy of pleasure. In this blog, we’ll explore the pathways and strategies to navigate the thoughts that get in the way of pleasure and shut down the sexual response through a case study of someone who sought out sex therapy. Meet Eli.
Case overview
Eli (1) is a white, non binary person who is disabled, uses a power-chair, experiences anxiety, has a lower desire and isn’t currently in a monogamous or romantic relationship. They sought out sex therapy to be supported in addressing the obstacles that get in the way of their sexual pleasure. They described their biggest hurdle as the distracting thoughts and loss of arousal that occurred when they attempted to connect with their sexual pleasure. Eli mentioned they became hyper-vigilant during sex; focused on how their body looks, how they might be perceived, intense fear of making mistakes or not getting things right, believing they didn’t really deserve pleasure and that pleasure frequently felt like an overindulgence. Their hopes were to get to a place where they could notice pleasure without distraction, have confidence to connect with their body in ways that felt good and manage the feelings and thoughts that came up during these experience. Here’s how we worked together:
Unpacking beliefs
Eli and I began by examining their thoughts and beliefs that got in the way of pleasurable sexual encounters. I normalised that most people experience similar overwhelming thoughts when they’re in such a vulnerable and intimate space as sex. We talked about the reality that individuals don’t have control over what thoughts pop into their mind, that someones first thought is typically what they’re been socialised to believe and that the control people do have is their response to those thoughts and the meaning they assign. Eli reflected that when they engaged with these thoughts during sexual encounters, they’d often become highly stressed, anxious and no longer wanted or enjoyed the sexual experience they were having.
We explored where Eli’s thoughts came from and how Eli interpreted them. Eli recognised that they weren’t born thinking this way, that they didn’t randomly come up with these ideas themselves. Their core beliefs and thoughts originated from sociocultural and political contexts; stereotypes and unrealistic expectations they’d picked up from their family, media and greater community about what it means to be a non-binary, disabled person in a body that looks different to the patriarchy’s definition of Eurocentric standards of beauty; a system that does not value disabled, queer bodies and that shames people for having lower sexual desire. The process of unpacking and understanding their beliefs gave Eli insight into the meaning they were making of their experience. They slowly began to adjust their perspective from feeling broken to realising that it made perfect sense that they kept having these thoughts that evolved from social and cultural contexts that sold them and reinforced these ideas that they weren’t enough. Eli decided they would be kinder to themselves and wanted to pay more attention to when they were thinking these beliefs and how it impacted them (2). A few sessions later we took a deeper dive into this topic and began to explore internalised ableism and sexism.
Internalised oppression (sexism, ableism, fat phobia, racism etc) is when you believe or hold yourself to the “rules” based on traditional binary gender, body size and shape, ability or race as defined by the patriarchy, toxic masculinity, white supremacy and capitalism. When society is the water we swim in, we can’t help but swallow the messages and take on the expectations that are reinforced over and over again. It’s not your fault for internalising beliefs; holding yourself to these rules might be the thing that helps you survive this world. It might prevent shame or guilt or other difficult feelings (even if only short term), may allow you to maintain your position in society or continue to access certain privileges. Eventually, however, you may begin to notice that the rules of your gender, race or body don’t align with what you want or who you are. This incongruence can lead to immense distress and intense shame.
Eli identified that believing they didn’t deserve pleasure (because they were a disabled person, non-binary, queer), that pleasure was an overindulgence and fearing their body being seen were all examples of internalised ableism, sexism and queerphobia. Having this knowledge meant Eli could begin the lifelong process to unlearn and challenge these beliefs as they arise, moving through feelings of shame and self-loathing towards anger at the ways society continues to cause them harm. They wanted to network with other queer disabled folx to explore how they deal with these issues and wanted to actively resist these beliefs by consciously centring their pleasure and access needs.
Creating safety and control
Sex coach and activist Dawn Serra explains that safety is typically a prerequisite for pleasure. When your body perceives a situation to be unsafe - anything from being stressed, nervous, anxious, distracted by judgemental thoughts, dissociation or being triggered - it enters a state of hyper-arousal and sympathetic activation, constantly scanning for threats (both real and perceived). Because Eli’s mind and body was focused on thoughts of being undeserving of pleasure and felt fearful of what others would think about their body, they had shifted into a stress response. Their physical and mental resources were directed towards survival and away from pleasure, arousal and desire, shutting their sexual response down.
A strategy Eli and I decided on was to create a list of things that made them feel safe (moving slowly, deciding in advance what each encounter would involve, using safe words) and in-control (grounding exercises for overwhelm, pausing or adjusting activities, using candle light instead of bright overhead light). When Eli imagined having a sexual encounters in these conditions, they noticed their anxiety had decreased slightly. They also realised they could touch their partners body to ground themselves, paying attention to their heartbeat or warmth of a partners skin.
Dealing with unhelpful and distracting thoughts
While the thoughts that get in the way and shut down pleasure falls outside Eli’s control, being aware of when they’re having the thoughts, dealing with their feelings that arise in response to those thoughts, practicing kindness, using distraction and prioritising pleasure were practical strategies they believed they could implement gradually.
In noticing and dealing with the thoughts, we explored the possibility of using mindfulness approaches to gently shift Eli’s attention away from their thoughts towards other events, rather than trying to change the thoughts. Eli mentioned focusing on their breath or deep breathing was unhelpful and uncomfortable. Being a person who experienced chronic pain they found it difficult to sit still enough to notice breath, preferring movement and touch instead. Practicing this skill first in non-sexual contexts, I invited Eli to acknowledge each time they had a thought, name it as a mental sensation and shift their focus on noticing what it felt like to touch different parts of their body, or to focus on the sounds they could hear around them or to gently sway their body from side to side. Each time they noticed their mind wandering, they’d again return focus to the activity. During sexual contexts, Eli wanted to explore what it would be like to pay attention to what it felt like to touch different areas of their partners body to refocus their attention on texture, warmth and other sensations they experienced.
Dealing with Feelings
To deal with the shame, anger and hurt that emerged in response to these thoughts, I invited Eli to try an emotional regulation practice so they could identify, sit with and feel their feelings, non-judgementally. I encouraged Eli to name what they might be feeling, notice how it shows up in their body (eg what physical sensations are present) and observe and describe it without judgement (what it feels like, what it looks like, how it changes). As they sit with this emotion they might remind themselves they’re safe and it’s ok to feel whatever they’re feeling. When they got to the end of this process, they could ask themselves what they might need right then, be it a cuddle, some alone time, to journal or sit outside.
Making space for pleasure
Eli wanted to continue to challenge the internalised beliefs that they weren’t deserving of pleasure or that pleasure was an overindulgence while simultaneously increasing their window of tolerance to receive pleasure. As pleasure is mental, emotional, physical and spiritual experience, Eli decided they wanted to experience satisfaction each and every day and made a plan to incorporate more self touch/massage, to savour the food they loved while managing shame, to spend longer in nature, to rest when they needed it, to enjoy the time they spent watching Netflix and to explore their body when they had the energy by stimulating different erogenous zones.
As one of their biggest challenges was making space to notice pleasure without distraction, we decided that using mindfulness to notice when they were distracted, to gently shift their attention away from thoughts to focus on pleasurable sensations and sitting with those physical sensations until the discomfort eased seemed most supportive and helped Eli recognise that despite the discomfort, they were safe, they could handle it and they were able to connect and enjoy their pleasure, it so many more ways than they had expected. The more often they practiced mindfully sitting with pleasure and discomfort side by side, the longer they could spend savouring pleasurable sensations, making space for arousal and desire to grow.
Notes:
1. Names have been changed and identify hidden by combining multiple people’s experiences in one fictitious person.
2. I am cautious not to simplify the process of unlearning internalised oppression for the sake of this article. While realising systems and structures are the sources teach people they’re broken or not enough can happen across a few sessions, it's a lifetime process of naming them and challenging them and this process won’t be linear. Being kind and compassionate is a choice that people can decide to make, even on the hardest days. This work isn’t easy and that’s okay.
