How do we navigate a relationship when one partners libido is much lower than anothers?
Photo by Nick Seagrave on Unsplash
11-minute read
It’s common for partners to have differences in desire, something that most people in partnerships will experience at some point in their relationship. While this difference is normal and okay, few of us are taught how to navigate it and the feelings that arise with it, contributing to the growing anxiety, distress, resentment, avoidance and sometimes even the end of a relationship.
Have the sex talk, often.
Having a conversation before you attempt or initiate sex and when you’re in the headspace to explore and negotiate without the weight of hurt, resentment or frustration, is a key element in navigating desire differences. Just make sure this isn’t a one off or yearly conversation. Instead, successfully navigating sex in your relationship likely involves talking about sex as often, if not more often than actually having sex. Here are 12 things to discuss with your partner(s) when navigating sex in your relationship when you have different levels of desire.
“Are you having the kind of sex you enjoy having? Does it feel pleasurable?”
We’re socialised to believe that real sex happens a certain way. Sex becomes a script we pressure ourselves and our partners to follow, for sex to happen perfectly without awkward moments, mistakes, where our bodies must look their best and respond on cue each time. Sex that aims to be perfect or that centres specific body parts inhibits desire.
Have you ever asked your partner if they like the sex you’ve been having? Does having the same kind of routine sex work for them? Does it keep them motivated to continue to want sex? Reflect on whether the kind of sex you’re having is flexible, good enough sex that centres pleasure above all else and avoids unrealistic expectations placed on your body or body parts. Think back to past sex that you have enjoyed. What did you enjoy about it? What elements need to be present?
2. "How do you define sex?”
What do you count as sex? Does this align with your ideas of pleasurable sexual experiences? Are you on the same page? Does one of you believe sex to be exclusively penetration while the other counts any sexual activity (especially activities that are typically defined as foreplay) as the most pleasurable sexual experiences?
When real sex is only one thing and one of you doesn’t feel like it, then sex is off the table. Broadening or redefining your shared definition of sex can increase your opportunities for pleasurable encounters together because you’ve increased your sexual repertoire from 1 activity to 5, 10 or 20+ activities. Another way to think about this is to ask yourself if you would be excited to eat the same meal every night? When sexual encounters are allowed to be diverse, desire can continue to evolve and grow.
3. “How comfortable do you feel talking about sex?”
If it's difficult to talk about sex then it might be challenging to create contexts to have satisfying sexual experiences together. If it is difficult, talk about what makes it feel so hard to open talk about it. Is it because someone has unresolved, complicated feelings about it? Is it just because it feels awkward and you don’t know what to say? An useful place to begin is by listen to podcasts about sex and talking about diverse sexual topics (check out Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics or Ladies We Need To Talk). When you begin to feel more comfortable discussing a range of sexual topics, start small and slowly ease in to talking about your sexual experiences together, starting off with what you enjoy or what’s working well before shifting into what you’d like to try or adjust. For some guidance, download the Gottman Card Decks and try the expressing needs, great listening and sex questions decks.
4. “Quantity or quality?”
Is it better to have more frequent sex that’s average or are you okay with less frequent sex that is highly satisfying and pleasurable? What might pleasurable encounters look like?
5. “What are your sexpectations?”
Reflect on what you each want out of a sexual experience. Are they fair and realistic? Do they place pressure on a parter(s)? Do they expect a partner to perform or meet your needs before their own?
Not sure what your expectations are when it comes to sex? Take a look at the dot points below to reflect on some accurate and realistic expectations that are free from judgement and pressure. Do yours align?
You are your own pleasure advocate and only you are responsible for meeting your sexual needs. Your partner does not owe you sex, nor are you entitled to sex with them. Each person decides for themselves whether they want to meet their partner where they’re at and have a sexual encounter together.
If no doesn’t feel like an option, if there is a consequence or negative outcome for saying no, then yes may not always feel like a choice. Reflect on how you’re able to meet your own sexual needs if a partner isn’t available or interested in sex right now without placing pressure or expectations on them.
Desire at the beginning of a relationship can feel more intense than it might after a few years together. This is due to hormones, an evolutionary desire to bond, novelty, proximity, anticipation and mental preparation.
Cultivate desire. Waiting for desire to happen naturally could see you waiting a long time. Sex is not a drive and does not occur naturally or spontaneously for most folx. Like any other experience you want to have, you might spend a significant amount of time thinking about it or preparing for it before you do it. Desire means a wanting, longing or motivation for sexual intimacy. Be intentional when it comes to sex. Like anything, if you’re lacking motivation, reflect on what could make the experience more appealing, inclusive, with less pressure and more pleasure.
While you might not experience an intense desire to have sex, are you interested in it? Does it hold some appeal? Are you open to thinking about it, talking about it and doing it in a way that works for you rather than the way you’ve been taught people should have sex?
Pushing against resistance or having sex when you don’t want it will increase avoidance of sex, exacerbating desire related distress. If you don’t have any interest in sex at all and you don’t want it, honour that. You’re allowed to not want sex. When you respect however you’re feeling and give yourself permission to say no to sex when you don’t want it, you’re putting yourself and your body first. When you do decide to have sex, it’s because you’re genuinely open to it.
6. “How do you want to be invited to sex?”
Understanding how your partner(s) want to be invited to sex or what they need before they’re ready to accept that invitation decreases fear and uncertainty that is so common when initiating sex. It also lets them know you value and respect them enough to find out what works for them and practice it. Maybe they need to connect on a deeper emotional level before they’re receptive to an invitation to sex, perhaps they want to be told how much you desire them. Perhaps they need time to build up their arousal over the course of a day or a few days before being asked by text if you’d like to get busy that evening. Maybe they want to be asked between kisses or in advance so they have time to prepare.
7. “How can we negotiate and meet in the middle?”
Is there anything your partner(s) might be open to doing? While they might not be prepared to spend 30 minutes moving from foreplay to penetration and hanging around until one of you orgasm, they might be open to kissing or holding you while you masturbate. They might be open to watching porn and getting off together. They might be open to oral pleasure. Is there a way that you can meet in the middle where you each get to experience something that you want together without placing pressure to have to meet every need or want?
8. “What else might be going on for you right now that makes sex difficult?”
Exploring the factors that might be contributing to a lower interest in sex can reduce some of the hurt, confusion and relationship anxiety that often shows up when navigating sex. Your interest in sex and ability to become aroused can be impacted by anything from being stressed to feeling burn out, anxious, depressed, overworked, exhausted, unable to prioritise your pleasure, carrying the mental load, feeling trapped in a routine, experiencing body image challenges, being in a flare, not feeling understood or seen, ongoing or unaddressed conflict, being touched too often, not knowing what feels good, being ashamed to experience pleasure, limited privacy, not thinking about sex, being a parent, feeling criticised, experiencing oppression, ableism, weight bias or fat phobia. The list of factors that can get in the way of sex is endless. The first thought for many partners is that “there must be something wrong with me" or “they must not be into me anymore”. Exploring the contributing factors to reduced interest in sex is imperative for feeling understood and being on the same page.
9. “A no to sex doesn’t mean a no to connection”
If your partner isn’t up for sex, it doesn’t mean you cant still connect in other ways. While your relationship probably doesn’t revolve around sex, when sex feels difficult or it’s absent, it can leave folx wondering whether they even want to remain in their relationship. Sex stands in for many things; its a way to feel desired or loved, a way to show your appreciation to your parter, to feel connected, to be validated, to deal with stress. Figuring out what your reason for sex is or what need sex is meeting allows you to meet that need in other ways if sex isn’t available. For some, this might involve spending time together outside, going for a bike-ride or a hike. For others it might mean snuggling up and watching a great movie together, cooking dinner or reminiscing and sharing what you appreciate about one another. This in turn supports and makes space for isolation, sadness or rejection that might arise when receiving a no.
10. “How can we honour our feelings?"
You’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling and it’s important you do. Bottling feelings or keeping them to yourself can complicate sex and muddies the path to a supportive relationship. It’s ok to be frustrated or upset if a parter isn’t available for sex. Let them know how they’re feeling, sit with it, notice where you feel it in your body, ask yourself what you need in that moment to feel a bit better (a cuddle, to watch funny videos on YouTube together, to masturbate, some food, deep breathing, a walk etc). While your partner isn’t responsible for your feelings, they can create the space for you to feel what you’re feeling and show up exactly as you are.
11. “Let’s not just do it but also let’s not just not do it”
If you and your partner(s) want sex to be a part of your relationship, then sex probably has to be intentional, like everything else. This doesn’t mean you should schedule or plan sex; most times this is counterintuitive and places pressure on your relationship. In The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression and the Conversations We Aren’t Having, JoEllen Notte explains that the common advice of “just do it” is unhelpful, harmful, creates avoidance and contributes to sex feeling like an obligation to get over with. While you shouldn’t just do it and hope you’ll enjoy it when you get started, you shouldn’t also just not do it. What she means by this is if you don’t make any intention or effort to feel interested in sex or connect with your sexual side, sex probably won’t happen. Sex is not natural or spontaneous. It takes effort. If you prioritise connecting with things that turn you on, that get you in the headspace for sex and then notice your interest to be sexual is growing, great! If you do these things but still don’t feel like sex, then you probably aren’t in the headspace for it and that’s okay too.
12. “How’s intimacy in other areas of our relationship?
If you avoid regular physical touch, if it feels hard to have deep conversations or express your feelings with a parter, if you struggle to connect deeply, have ongoing conflict, resentment then these are obstacles in the way of sex. Addressing these areas is an essential and ongoing part of navigating differences in desire. Increasing emotional, social, physical, intellectual, spiritual and financial intimacy all can make it easier to express sexual wants and preferences and feel safe enough to say no to sex when aren’t up for it, and ask for sex when you are.
