How To Have Better Solo Sex in Masturbation May
Photo by Taras Chernus on Unsplash
Petting the cat, cuffing the carrot, minding the gap, lone rangering, jerking off, solo sex or self pleasure. Whatever you call it, masturbation is something that’s an important part of many folx lives — whether it’s out in the open or behind closed doors.
If you haven’t already heard, this month is Masturbation May and now is as great a time as ever to start having new conversations about solo sex; reflecting on your experiences and solo sex beliefs, unlearning cultural myths about masturbation and replacing them with more accurate ones. Then, passing on that newly acquired knowledge to others.
Talking about solo sex doesn’t have to stop here, and it doesn’t have to end when May is over. Shifting the narrative around pleasure and self-love takes time and is an effective way in changing a culture.
The Power in Cultural Myths
There are A LOT of negative cultural messages to contend with around touching yourself and all this stigma can lead to some complicated self-pleasure, a lot of shame and damaging secrecy.
Reflect for a moment on the messages you’ve received about masturbation — were you told that exploring the pleasures of your body was dirty or wrong? Did you learn that it was for folx without partners? That you should avoid it because it’ll eventually lead you to no longer enjoy partnered sex? That if you do it too often, your hand or vibrator will numb your genitals or it’ll become a compulsive behaviour? Was it even spoken about in your family, with your mates or within your community?
The extent of hypo sex-negative or hyper sex-positive, body shaming cultural myths that people have been exposed to across their lifetimes are profound. (Yes, even parts of the sex-positivity movement have been hijacked when it creates a whole set of other expectations that you should have sex, that sex is always good for you and if you’re not doing it, then there must be something wrong with you).
Our culture is the water we swim in and these implicit messages are absorbed by us all, whether it’s obvious or not. If you’ve ever felt confused, conflicted or ashamed when it comes to solo sex, this is likely why.
Prominent cultural beliefs that revolve around moral expectations, media portrayals or medical fears that weigh in on masturbation and creep their way into sexual education (or the lack thereof), in doctors clinics, in religious practice, through films and books, within the posts of social media, in news articles, in ads and within the conversations on sex. These messages are intergenerational; passed down from parents to children and they’re internalised over time or projected onto others. They frame the way we perceive masturbation as a dirty, immoral or unfaithful act; is reflected in the bodies we shame (including our own) for exploring self-touch; and the way we punish kids for having a ‘normal’ experience of curiosity and openness to explore their bodies and potential for pleasure.
Check out clinical sexologist Dr Lindsay Doe unpack some of these ideas around masturbation through her own experiences.
Like body dissatisfaction, we’re not born feeling shame around solo sex. When we examine these messages that leave so many of us feeling this we, we find they lack validity. Let’s unpack a few:
Solo sex is often viewed as dirty, for loners or folx without partners despite it being one of the safest sexual practices in its ability to negate the risk of acquiring or transmitting most STIs, occurring in the safety and privacy of ones personal space and lessening expectations, pressure and entitlement of others to meet our sexual needs. Masturbation lets you become your own advocate for your own pleasure and sexual needs.
The way folx decide to pleasure themselves comes under harsh criticism, igniting fears that a vibrator, hand and porn have become replacements for partners and their potential to desensitise or become addictive. In actual fact, there is little to no evidence to support these myths. Vibrators don’t cause long term nerve damage and a death grip doesn’t damage a penis or a clitoris. What happens is your brain and body might get use to the same routine; specific pressure and sensations, and it might take shortcuts, coding one type of stimulation as the quickest and easiest way to pleasure. There is never any long, term permanent damage and anything your body gets use to is reversible. If in doubt, mix it up and find multiple ways to get your rocks off.
Regardless of popular beliefs, solo sex is not just for improving your skills for partnered sex, nor is it a replacement for partnered sex. It’s a valid sexual experience in its own right. Masturbation is part of a sea of copious sexual options; in the same way that a hand job isn’t a replacement for oral sex — they’re one of many choices that exist in harmony.
To explore this idea more, check out @afrosexology’s Circle of Pleasure.
Sex is a subjective experience and is defined as any experience that is erotic and pleasurable for each individual, broadening the lens of satisfying sex.
Masturbation And The Orgasm Gap: A Systemic Problem
It’s undeniable that there’s a societal difference in the orgasms and self-touch had between people with different identities, with cis women in heterosexual relationships disproportionately impacted when compared to the straight, cis men they share a relationship with. This occurrence, backed up by research, illustrates that partnered up straight men, followed by gay men and lesbian women are far more likely to get themselves off and experience sexual release compared to cis straight women.
This gap goes deeper than the gender binary and even wider for trans, genderqueer and non-confirming partnerships, especially if those partnerships are with straight or cisgender people; finding those who fall outside the binary less likely to experience regular solo sex and find pleasure in their bodies.
The gap is known to be further pronounced when considering race and disability; with Black folx, people of Colour, Indigenous people, disabled folx or people with chronic illness partnered up with lighter skin, white or non-disabled partners, who are by far the most likely to deal with significant inequity in their experience of solo sex and pleasure. The extent of their exclusion is apparent even though their absence is the literature on the gap.
The solo sex and orgasm gap isn’t due to any lack of potential of bodies and genitals. It’s the ways we’ve been socialised, the different messages different bodies have received about pleasure and the social systems that continue to perpetuate it.
The patriarchy and white supremacy tells us that Black folx, women, trans, non-binary and queer people’s pleasure exists for men; that men’s pleasure comes first — this is reflected in the male gaze, double standards, slut-shaming and within the traditional gender roles we practice. We’re taught that some people don’t want to have solo sex, that they can’t or that they have bigger problems to deal with. The desexualisation (or sexualising/fetishising) of disabled people, chronically ill people, people in fat or larger bodies, people of Colour, people with mental illness or those who are neuro-divergent; anybody who has something else going on in their lives or lives a different experience from the dominant standard is labelled as non-sexual. This is one of the most damaging notions against autonomy.
Folx learn their pleasure comes second and these beliefs are internalised and self-policed. They realise they must adhere these scripts as a way to fit in and belong. These beliefs are upheld by others in the community; projected and reinforced. Think about who in your household spends more time meeting others needs? Doing unpaid or undervalued labour while others rest or play? Is this reflective of traditional gender expectations? Pleasure experience on one level (labour and care) so often mirrors what’s going on in the privacy of peoples homes.
When Masturbation Feels Hard
Sometimes masturbation and permission to experience pleasure are not practised or are challenging for others reasons — some people feel unsafe in their bodies; some dissociate; some bodies are a source of pain, shame or hurt; some have experienced trauma; some just don’t like or want to spend so much time with their genitals; some find pleasure elsewhere; some have been socialised to endure discomfort; and some have never been able to explore and recognise if and what they like. Masturbation is a choice, and like anything, it’s for some folx and not for others.
While its important to remember that not everyone masturbates for orgasm, many do. Yet, sometimes having these goals (which can be perceived as pressure or expectations) can be counterintuitive. Being goal-orientated often means shifting your attention away from your body and thus reducing your ability to perceive pleasurable sensations. Being in your head and thinking about the goal you have to meet creates pressure and expectations to achieve an end goal, which is a recipe for pleasure and performance anxiety.
So, while orgasm is an important part of solo sex, shifting your focus to having a pleasurable time with your hand (or vibe) is a useful way of decreasing the pressure you place on yourself. When orgasm does happen it’s an awesome bonus!
GIF by GIPHY
Bodies Are Made for Pleasure
If solo sex is for you, or you’re sitting on the fence, another good place to explore is the massive benefits that are linked to self loving.
Masturbation and orgasm…
are common parts of satisfying sexual development and growth.
allows you be your own advocate for meeting your sexual needs without having to rely on your partner
are a great source of stress relief and tension release — tension and stress hormones turn off your sexual response. A little bit of solo sex or other forms of self-pleasure activates your parasympathetic nervous system and supports your body return to its former state for resting, digesting and enjoying.
are a form of pain management
decreases the risk of prostate cancer
improves sleep and increases rest
improves pelvic floor muscle tone
glorious ways to explore and strengthen your connection with your body and discovering what feels good to it
helps you to recognise the pleasure potential in your body, reminding you that your body is good, which is super helpful for folx who feel disconnected from their bodies or whose bodies have been that source of pain, illness or shame
Is a way to thank your body for everything it does for you
enhances self-worth because those who believe they deserve pleasure, who give themselves permission and make time to experience pleasure are more likely to experience body acceptance (aka every body is worthy and deserving of pleasure and satisfaction).
supports you to realise what feels good to you and can decrease the likelihood of enduring uncomfortable or unsatisfying experiences
makes it easier to communicate what you like and how you’d like to be touched by partners
Pleasure in 5 Senses
There’s no right way to enjoy solo sex. Folx have different bodies, thus different sensations, positions and types of touch work for different people. This means that there are a lot of sensations to explore. You actually have erogenous zones all over your body, not just in your groin.
Touch
How do you like to touch your body? Some describe the pleasure that comes from a warm, gentle touch. Others love the slipperiness of massage oil or lube. Some prefer the dry friction of a rough hand, clothing or other objects. Some folx find vibrators or stimulators are the most accessible way to pleasure themselves and others enjoy the sensation of using a ribbed rubber sleeve or other devices against their genitals and some love the sensation of hot water across their body.
Sight
Visual stimulation is a huge part of sexuality and supports transitioning to an erotic mindset, building arousal and turning towards pleasure and desire. Scrolling through sexy photos, watching porn or erotica or observing a partner are some of the main ways people use their sight to turn themselves on and experience pleasure.
For a lot of people, sight is considered a dominant sense and often the easiest way to interact with the world around us. All our brains are constantly scanning the environment for sexually relevant cues, through all of your senses. Sometimes, sexually relevant visual information can be the easiest and most accurate sense to interpret. In part, this is due to high rates of implicit and explicit sexual imagery found almost everywhere we look. The more time we spend observing sexually relevant info, the better our brains become at identifying and responding to it, especially if it activates pleasure cues.
Sound
In recent years, ASMR has been a huge hit for making bodies tingle. It’s not always clear how an Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response works — it’s a practice that usually involves whispers, tapping, stroking, rubbing objects against different surfaces. ASMR is thought to be interpreted by the brain in the same way folx appreciate a gentle against your ear or a pleasurable sigh when some is enjoying themselves.
Taste
How good do you feel when you taste the most delicious dessert? How about when you taste any other food you love? For some, taste can bring their bodies the most joy and satisfaction. Like sex, food and eating is another subject that’s shadowed in control, shame and fear regardless of how pleasurable it may be. Have you ever combined food play with the erotic? If not, are you open to engaging multiple senses at once?
Smell
Scents are something that can be a huge activator of arousal and the sense that’s most often forgotten — what does a sweet or musky smelling partner do to your body? How does a candle that you burn or the fresh smell of your sheets while you’re enjoying yourself enhance the experience?
GIF by GIPHY
Enhancing Solo Sex
What gets you in the mood to have solo sex? Do you first need to activate feelings of desire before you decide to pleasure yourself? Do you need to feel a tingle before you want to get moving? Or is masturbation part of your routine that you enjoy when you get going?
Like partnered sex, initiating solo sex can be a challenge. For some folx, the desire to masturbate begins in anticipation of pleasure while others require experiencing pleasure in some form to ignite their interest. Sometimes you might need to engage with something else before you decide whether you want to continue on to more.
Here are some things you could try to get started and enhance your solo sexual experiences:
Exploring different types of visual stimulation — crack into the world of porn, Tumblr or Instagram to determine whether visual stimulation is an important part of your pleasure experience.
Side note — do you use visual aids that are representative of your own body and your partner’s body? Do you let yourself enjoy a diverse range of bodies enjoying pleasure? If not, why not?
Watch a few ASMR videos and notice sensations and tingles in your body. Does it lead you to wanting more?
Often people want to rush in and want to get straight to orgasm. Slowing down and spending uninterrupted and distraction-free time focusing on different sensations in your body. Allocating a decent amount of time is helpful. Your body may first need time to relax (which can take around 15 minutes) and then it needs time to become aroused (which might add another 10 to 45 minutes).
Give your pelvic floor a few squeezes to engage the muscles and notice the sensations.
Explore and touch different parts of your body. It’s not all about your genitals.
Make sexually relevant info a part of your routine — make space to connect with sexy photos, video, erotica or pleasure touch as part of your way to start your day, during your lunch break or before bed to wind down, relax and take a break. Connecting with sexy subjects can give your brain and body time to notice and turn towards pleasure if it wants to and is a good indicator of whether you’re up for something on any given day. This doesn’t mean because you’ve allocated time for it you should just start masturbating and hope to feel like it once you’re halfway through. Before you launch into any experience, ask yourself whether you really feel like it or is there something else you might prefer to do instead?
If you’re feeling distracted by thoughts during sexy times, focus on your breath, your heart rate or the actual sensations you’re experiencing as you touch your body.
It’s undeniable that there are huge barriers in the way of pleasurable, shame-free solo sex. Solo sex isn’t for everyone and access to it is definitely not equitable. Given the plethora of benefits for folx to be able to have the autonomy to explore their bodies freely; without fear or shame, we can all do more to challenge the current culture and increase access to pleasure for everyone.
