Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria or RSD is a type of emotional dysregulation or overwhelm closely associated with the neurodivergent experience and is defined as an intense sensitivity, fear and reactivity to rejection, and often criticism. RSD is also a highly pathologised experience - the term ‘rejection sensitivity dysphoria’ itself is disordered language that can compound the shame and distress associated with the complexity of forming connections and building relationships.
A lot of neurodivergent and disabled people have and continue to face ongoing social and interpersonal rejection and exclusion, or are alienated from the communities they want to be part of, and likely have been for most of their lives. Neurodivergent and disabled people may have faced countless rejections by non disabled people for not meeting neurotypical standards of social interaction, may have struggled with friendships or other relationships and as a result may become closed off, withdraw and learn that they can’t be vulnerable or ask for what they want. They may also hold themselves to extremely high standards, people please or have a nervous system that is stuck in fawning where they might attempt to create safety by people pleasing and enduring situations with limited capacity to express themselves.
It’s important to acknowledge that this fear of rejection is reasonable and proportionate to the contexts and systems a neurodivergent person has existed within. Disordering it or reducing it to an irrational fear only acts to further exacerbate it. Becoming curious to the wider systems, contexts and past experiences is part of the process of moving through the shame that consumes most neurodivergent people’s waking moments. All people want to be accepted, to be included and cared for in communities. The fear of prevailing rejection and criticism contributes to why exorbitant numbers neurodivergent people feel isolated, alienated and in turn mask and attempt to conform to standards of normalcy.
Sex and rejection
Fears of rejection are concentrated within sexual and romantic relationships, particularly because navigating sex and practicing consent is a dance of expressing desires and limits; asking for what you want, saying no, being turned down, giving feedback or realising that you and your partners might want very different things. Being able to stay with the discomfort or hurt without becoming overwhelmed and allow someone to say no and cope when sexual partners or interests turn down or refuse requests, invitations or bids for sex is a critical skill and integral part of practicing consent, without it you’re unable to honour or respect when someone isn’t willing to do something. These are also skill sets most of us are never taught how to practice.
How to practice handling a no
Handling rejection is a skill you need to practice, but practicing with others who can offer care and support to gently move through the discomfort or hurt is critical. It’s not something you can do alone because rejection happens in the context of relationships. Often the people who are sensitive to rejection have been rejection or excluded without care and repeated rejection has resulted in overwhelm, be it meltdowns or shut downs that have pushed them into the too much zone of dysregulation, reducing their ability manage or grow.
How to begin:
Think about your relationships - who can you can be a little bit vulnerable? Is it a friend, partner, a trusted colleague, a supportive family member, your online community, a consent class, with a sex + relationship practitioner or your therapist?
Name it - see if you can find a way to bring up your experience of rejection, how hard it can be, the situations when you feel it and what triggers it. Ask them about theirs.
Reframe it from rejection to refusal - Researcher Dr Tiffany Marcantonia found that accurately naming saying no to an activity as a refusal specific to an activity and not actually rejection or dismissal of the self lessened the impact and overtime people were better able to cope because the different language was associated with different connotations and meaning and therefore different feelings.
Practice or role play - take turns making a request and expressing a no to that request with genuine care. This could sound like “thanks for asking, I’m not up for that today”, “No thanks but thanks for asking for what you wanted”, “I love you, I want to be with you, I’m attracted to you and I’m not feeling it today” or “I don’t want to do that but I would be open to these other things”.
Think about what would support you to receive a no - How can someone say it so it feels less hurtful? Would some kind of explanation of the reasons behind why they’re not willing to do the thing? This can help folks learn that it’s not them that’s not wanted but rather it’s about someone not being open to do the activity. Would prioritising some other kind of connection or suggestions of what else is possible be part of what helps?
Growth happens at the learning edge - Unless you practice, learning to handle a no and coping with activity refusal is just a nice idea. When practicing, your focus is on staying at your learning edge, which is doing something you know feels important and which might be awkward, uncomfortable, hard or vulnerable but it also feels supported and it’s completely overwhelming. Somatic sex educator, embodied counsellor and teacher Deej Juventin says “a no might be a complete sentence but it isn’t if you want to be in a loving and supportive relationship”.
Start integrating these different skills where you ask for what you want and make room for the discomfort of a no to be allowed with care in your relationships. If it helps, it’s okay to be upfront and let those you’re connecting with know that you’re practicing a new skill. You’re also allowed to ask the people you’re connecting with that it would help if they could practice being gentle with you.
Rejection sensitivity isn’t a pathology. It’s a complicated outcome of neuronormativity and living in oppressive systems that reinforce individualism and isolation, that expect neurodivergent and disabled people to conform and that don’t allow for both desires and limits to be expressed. If it’s something you’re struggling with know that you’re not alone in that fear. Not feeling prepared or able to navigating differing wants and don’t wants in romantic or sexual relationships seems from the lack of opportunity to learn the skills, to make different meaning (from rejection to refusal) and limited opportunity to practice in caring loving relationships.
